Softened Heart

When I was in my teens I felt like my heart was hard, as though I wasn’t able to emotionally respond to things the way I thought I should, or the way I wanted to. It really bothered me, especially when I felt cold in response to things that I saw God doing in people around me, things that I knew were the hand of God on people’s lives.

“If my faith is an integral – the integral – part of my life,” I reasoned, “why do I have so little feeling towards it?” So I prayed. I told God that I felt distant and unresponsive, and that I wanted to break that, to soften my heart. I asked that any time I encountered something that was truly the work of God, something that revealed eternity, that I would be moved to tears.

This is a prayer that a part of me has regretted deeply over the years, not because God said no, but because he said ok. And so I cry sometimes. But, even though I’m very grateful to have a much more emotional reaction to important things I still tend to be someone who likes to keep it together in public.

I don’t like to disembowel my feelings to display them too openly, especially not when the exhibition engenders pity in others (as raw emotion often does), and since asking for this there have been countless times when the depth and beauty and faith of someone or some action has, indeed, brought physical tears to my eyes. And that happened today when I went to a blog that I visit regularly, and found this post.

So, my heart’s softened, and I’m grateful, and I wouldn’t change it…but I’m also a bit embarrassed sometimes. Which, I guess, is a good thing 🙂

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2 Comments

  1. Tony Myles said,

    June 12, 2008 at 4:46 am

    Wow… so cool. Thank you for letting me (and Christ in me) be a part of that softening.

  2. notperfection said,

    June 12, 2008 at 9:04 pm

    The pleasure’s mine 🙂

    Your faith is so apparent throughout your whole blogging archive that I can’t help but feel drawn to the light emanating from it.


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