Confession

‘Stuff’ and ‘things’ haven’t been that simple or easy for a while – too much thinking/worrying about health things and family things and work things and finance things…you know how it is. So, today, at lunchtime, I’m sitting, reading, feeling a bit ‘weighted’. I come across a passage in my book that is rife with the mention of colours: green leaf; yellow sun; orange persimmon. My heart feels a physical ‘leap of joy’ (cheesy, huh? but true) and I realise that colour, even just thinking about it, even just reading about it (‘a riot of colour’) physically brings me – greater than pleasure – joy, bliss, delight, elation…

I’ve always loved colour, but never quite enunciated to myself that colour can change things, fix things, entrance and capture me. It feels like a big (though so simple) discovery and life feels more manageable again. But this isn’t the confession.

This is it. I was thinking about whether to mention this experience here and I started putting a theoretical post together in my head and it felt a bit empty. Empty because the physical ‘leap of joy’ had felt like a gift from God – an insight into how God sees me, sees the world, sees my future – and I had started editing that aspect out.

See, here’s the thing…I’m a Christian. I haven’t wanted to mention it till now. It’s something that labels me, stereotypes me. A lot of that stereotyping is due to how Christians act, foolish things we do in public, ridiculous things we say, rickety platforms we set ourselves on, arrogant and hurtful actions we take. Some of it is due to a pigeonholing by people who aren’t Christians.

I was reading through some of Mighty Girl‘s archives earlier this evening and I came across this quote that she’d overheard on a bus once : “Bring out the religious stuff and the crowd goes dead.”. And this is totally how I felt…feel I guess. It’s used as a pejorative – ‘Christian blogger’ (kinda like ‘Mommy blogger’ I s’pose). As though once that piece of information is known then there’s no point in reading any further. As though someone is defined by one fact about them.

But, while my faith in Jesus is the most defining thing about me – it colours every interaction, influences every thought – it isn’t the only thing. I live in the real world, not some ‘tele-evangelist’ or ‘martyr’ or ‘saint’ or ‘holier-than-thou’ self-created, self-deluded world. I like stuff that ‘normal people’ like (coffee, youtube, ‘alternate reality’ movies, mango lassis, lolcats, gin-and-tonics, Lost). And my faith is changing, growing, evolving, more grey than it’s ever been. It doesn’t look like it used to from the outside, and it doesn’t feel like it used to on the inside, but it’s not something that I can ignore when blogging.

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2 Comments

  1. sulochanosho said,

    June 3, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    True confessions may heal and cleanse our wounds and sins.

  2. notperfection said,

    June 4, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    True enough. Confession can be very healthy, and free up insular and self-focussed thinking. I think it depends, though, who one is confessing to, and why.
    My ‘confession’ here is really more of a ‘tongue-in-cheek’ kinda thing, pointing out that it’s not always easy to admit to having a faith that’s very politically incorrect, a faith that people make all kinds of assumptions about (often due to our own foolishness as Christians).


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